The BAU Is Never Allowed To
by starfire123
Summary: Hotch and Rossi make a list of things the team is never allowed to do. Just a humorous one-shot. Warning: out of character-ness.


**Howdy y'all! Here's a one-shot I came up with when I was bored. I hope you like it!**

**Warning: out of character-ness**

**I do not own Criminal Minds.**

"What are we doing here, Hotch?" Morgan asked.

Hotch had called the team to the conference room for a meeting, but he wouldn't explain why. Rossi and Hotch stood at the front of the room. Hotch showed them a long piece of paper.

"You all have been getting yourselves into way too much trouble lately, so Rossi and I have made up a list of things the BAU is never allowed to do," he explained. He began to read the list to the team.

_Reid is not allowed to say "Trust me, I'm a doctor" after everything he says._

"But it's true!" Reid yelled.

"It doesn't matter!" Rossi responded, "It gets really annoying." Hotch continued.

_No sneaking around headquarters with your gun, pretending you are 007._

_No playing truth or dare when we go out for drinks. The Bureau was not happy to find out that we had the cops called on us._

_No gluing Strauss's door shut._

Morgan and Prentiss gave each other a high-five while laughing hysterically. A glare from Hotch shut them up.

_JJ and Prentiss are not allowed to strut around headquarters, telling everyone they are America's Next Top Models._

_Do not put more sugar in Reid's coffee when he isn't looking. He will only get high off the sugar._

_Do not hide the coffee maker. You are in a team of caffeine-addicts that will respond with violence if they do not get their coffee._

_Morgan is not allowed to challenge everyone in the Bureau to an arm wrestling match._

"Why not?" Morgan whined.

"Because, you've already broken the wrists of three other agents," Rossi explained.

_When Rossi walks in a room, no saying, "Rossizzle in da hizzle!"_

_Never, under any circumstances, tell Reid that Doctor Who has been cancelled._

_Garcia is not allowed to make a chocolate sculpture of Morgan._

_Do not set Hotch up on a blind date with Strauss. That only makes him angry._

_No signing all the men of the BAU up for e-Harmony._

All the women started whistling, trying to look innocent.

_Garcia is not allowed to kidnap Reid when he refuses to go somewhere with her._

"I did not kidnap Reid!" Garcia defended herself.

"Garcia, you locked us both in your office, refusing to let me leave. When I said I still wasn't going, you handcuffed me and dragged me to your car!" Reid said as he glared at Garcia.

"I call it surprise adoption," Garcia said with a huge smile on her face.

Morgan chuckled and Hotch just shook his head.

_Never give Garcia colored duct tape, she will go crazy._

_Do not let Prentiss anywhere near chocolate._

_Garcia is not allowed to dress up as a fairy and claim she is everyone's fairy godmother._

_Do not give Morgan a Rubix cube. When he can't solve it, it will just end up smashed to pieces and we will have a dent in the wall._

_Do not try and sell Reid on ebay._

_No prank calling Strauss telling her she won the lottery. She only fell for that once._

_Prentiss is not allowed to stand on top of the desks in the bullpen and sing Ke$ha._

"Dang it," Prentiss muttered under her breath.

_Garcia is not allowed to call people and say, "I know where you live" in a really creepy voice._

_Reid is not allowed to act gangster._

_Morgan is not allowed to hide in the storage closet and scare people. He nearly gave JJ a heart attack._

_Do not hit every button in the elevator and say "Ding!" when you stop at each floor._

_Do not strategically hide fake spiders in Rossi's office._

_No saying "In accordance to the prophecy" after everything._

_Do not post a sign that says __**The Chamber of Secrets Has Been Opened **__on the bathroom door._

Every head in the room turned to Reid who just smiled back at them.

_When Hotch asks you to do something, do not ask him if he would like fries with that._

_Do not ask Strauss if she dated any cave men. She's not that old._

The team burst out laughing. Even Rossi was having trouble controlling himself.

_Reid is not allowed in a casino without supervision._

_Do not wear capes to work. We may be heroes, but we do not wear capes._

_Do not introduce Reid as the Walking Encyclopedia._

_Do not order 50 pillows and have them dropped off in Strauss's office._

_No building a fort in the bullpen._

_Do not redecorate Hotch's office._

_No moon walking through the building._

_No challenging people to duels with pencils._

_Last, and most importantly, NEVER ASK ROSSI HIS AGE!_

"That should do it," Hotch finished.

There was an awkward silence. Then everyone returned to their desks. At the end of the day, Hotch and Rossi walked into the bullpen to check on the team. They first noticed Prentiss on top of her desk.

"I feel your heart beat to the beat of the drum! Oh what a shame that you came here with someone!" she sang.

JJ was strutting around the bullpen, practicing her model walk.

"Reid, please come to the mall with me!" Garcia begged.

"No," Reid said sternly, "You can't kidnap me this time either, Garcia."

"Morgan!" Garcia called.

Morgan was at her side in an instant. They nodded to each other, playful smiles spreading across their faces. Morgan wrapped his arms around Reid, picking him up and carrying him away from the bullpen.

"Put me down, Morgan!" Reid demanded, "Garcia, you aren't supposed to make me go with you against my will!"

"I'm not. Morgan is!" Garcia reasoned.

Reid groaned as he was carried away. Rossi looked to Hotch, who was banging his head against the wall. Sighing, he returned to his office.

"I should never have come out of retirement," he grumbled.

**Review if you liked it. It was just something to do to take a break from my other stories. I hope you liked it!**


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